the "super silly" in supercilious

D is L's father-in-law (A's husband)
H is my father-in-law
D2 is V's husband

~~~~

Dear L:

As requested, here are the highlights of my long phone conversation with D yesterday. I was very upfront with him that you and I are close friends, so he shouldn't be surprised that I shared this with you, especially given our history and the history of this family.

I didn't keep notes on what I said, so this is basically my take of D's side of it. (You already know my opinions anyway.) My tone with D was argumentative at first, and then gradually we got to a level of "animated conversation," if that makes sense. I think that although we certainly at times raised our voices and argued a few points, we were both sufficiently respectful of one another throughout the phone call.

Things in quotes are verbatim, per my notes:

• Expressed concern for my son; said that he and R read everything they could about autism.
• Said that "everyone completely" understood why my son and I stayed home from the wedding.
• Said that after we told them about the diagnosis, everyone was waiting to see how they could help.
• Said that the Xs love all their grandchildren equally.
  
• Said that the Xs were "not difficult people" but that they do things "their own way."
• Said that we had blocked them all out of our lives by not calling and blocking their emails to us (which, for the record, we have not)
  
• Regarding his children, he said "I put them through college, they got married debt-free -- there was nothing more I could have done as a father."
• Referenced repeatedly that he himself had none of the advantages growing up that our generation did.
• Spoke at length how L had no sympathy for him when he was going through his own medical crisis for many years.
  
• Noted repeatedly that L and B sent back cards and presents for their son, but "not the money and the bonds -- didcha notice that?"
• Referenced how he put in a kitchen for L and all she did was give him a "crock of shit" about it
  
• Said he has always been "nervous about L" because she had a "bad relationship with her mother"
• Said L has a "bad track record" with relationships
  
• Said L "only talks to her grandmother"
• Said, "L has only 3 friends"
• Said L "pushes people away"
• Cautioned me about L, saying, "Her own father warned me about her!" -- D went on the clarify that L's father once had said, "You don't mess with L!"
  
• Said L was a "bad hostess" when they all visited in Texas, and that's why A and D went to a hotel
• Said his parents could have "put a stop" to L in Texas during the visit, but they didn't want to offend her -- but they had no problem offending A, who "fed them, and loved them, and hugged them, and invited them for Christmas."
• Noted that he had paid for his parents to travel to Texas.
  
• At the wedding: the only one who was pissed off was L: "Nobody was angry with L."
• He claimed not to know the "trash" story; he acted as if he thought it all had to do with the condo fiasco coupled with L's "mysterious" (my word) fight with B's sister. (He did not reference subsequent conversations with B during which B specifically took issue with the "trash" comment and expressed their need for an apology.)
  
• Said that L had insisted that she, B, and their son and their dogs use the condo for the wedding, and that L got pissed when she found out it was unavailable.
  
• Told me twice how he spent $300,000 on his condo (really cost $200,000)
  
• He tried to claim that he thought the reason J and I weren't talking to the Xs was because I sent the crack email around "on their wedding day." He did quickly abandon this theory when I began to easily disprove it.
  
• When I told him the true history of the crack email (that H had been aware of it weeks before the wedding, and that H had admitted to J and me that he thought it was probably D2 but that we should not mention it to anyone) D seemed shocked and insisted that H couldn't possibly have said that considering this was his daughter who was about to be married. (Of course, J and I both saw the email from H and there's no disputing what was written.) Then D went off on a long tangent about how vehemently he opposed the wedding, how he would never have gone along with it if it was his daughter, but how no one would listen to him. D did concede that V and D seem happily married now and referenced taking V's stepson to his swimming lessons.
  
• When he finally basically agreed that it was likely that A said the trash comment to J, he immediately tried to dismiss it by saying, "Well, L must have really pissed her off somehow."
• When he finally indicated that "The Head" nickname was true, he asked me "And let me ask you -- who told you?" I replied that he already knew it was L who told me. He tried to further deflect the focus by asking me whether or not I thought it was the "Christian thing to do" for L to have told me. (I told him that I didn't think it was the Christian thing to do to go around secretly calling another person's child "The Head" or other people "Trash.")
• We awkwardly but cordially said good-bye to each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I briefly spoke with R (my monster-in-law):

• When she answered, I identified myself and said something about how after all these years, L finally told me something that was so outrageous I just had to call and ask her about it. I then asked, "Did you ever call my son 'The Head'?"
• R gasped dramatically and said, "Oh, what a terrible thing to say."
• I again asked: "Did you ever call my son 'The Head'?"
• R said, "Don't you ever say that to me again, and don't call here again!"
• R hung up on me, so I'm not sure if she heard my last comment to her, which was: "R, it's you who has a big fat head!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I briefly spoke with H (my father-in-law):

• H answered; I identified myself and told him I wanted to ask him what I had asked R earlier regarding "The Head." I did so.
  
• He said, "No, we never said that."
• I asked him if he maybe wanted to think about it, or if that was really what he was going to go with.
• He said, "Yes, we never said that."
• I said that both L and B had confirmed that R had repeatedly called our son "The Head."
• I said that L even remembers asking H whether or not I was aware that they went around calling my son "The Head."
• I told him that L vividly remembers H answering, "Would you like it if we called your son 'The Head'?"
  
• He said that they were lying.
• I asked him if he expected me to believe that L and B together conspired to hurt me by making up such a detailed, ugly story.
• He said that they must have, because they never said that.
• I asked him if that was the way they had built their world for themselves, by doing or saying whatever they wanted, and then simply revising history if it inconvenienced them, absolving themselves of any responsibility for their actions and words.
• He reminded me that I had recently told them that J and I had moved on, and that they too had "moved on."
• He then said that if we had nothing else to say to each other, we should hang up.
• I said that in fact I had a lot to say to him.
  
• I asked him: "Whatever happened to your sister, H?" [His sister is mentally retarded, and after their parents died, H never saw or spoke to her again. We think she is in "the system" somewhere in Florida.]
  
• He said that we had nothing to say to each other.
• I repeated my question.
• He said, "Nothing."
• I asked, "Nothing? Where is she? Is she alive or dead? Do you know?"
• He indicated that the conversation was over for him.
• He hung up on me, so I don't know if he heard me ask, "Why do you people always turn your backs on family in trouble?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I also spoke to D2 at some length, but I didn't take notes. I'm sure whatever he says was said is accurate, as he seems like a pretty honest guy. The gist (he was rather logical and I was rather emotional) was that we both agreed that if anything is ever going to change (however unlikely), we'd all have to talk to one another honestly, even though there might be some yelling and arguing. I did sincerely apologize to him for the things I've said and done regarding him in the past.

That's it.
-- me