long-tongu'd babbling gossip

the "super silly" in supercilious

2005-03-14T09:23:00.000-05:00

D is L's father-in-law (A's husband)
H is my father-in-law
D2 is V's husband

~~~~

Dear L:

As requested, here are the highlights of my long phone conversation with D yesterday. I was very upfront with him that you and I are close friends, so he shouldn't be surprised that I shared this with you, especially given our history and the history of this family.

I didn't keep notes on what I said, so this is basically my take of D's side of it. (You already know my opinions anyway.) My tone with D was argumentative at first, and then gradually we got to a level of "animated conversation," if that makes sense. I think that although we certainly at times raised our voices and argued a few points, we were both sufficiently respectful of one another throughout the phone call.

Things in quotes are verbatim, per my notes:

Expressed concern for my son; said that he and R read everything they could about autism.
Said that "everyone completely" understood why my son and I stayed home from the wedding.
Said that after we told them about the diagnosis, everyone was waiting to see how they could help.
Said that the Xs love all their grandchildren equally.
Said that the Xs were "not difficult people" but that they do things "their own way."
Said that we had blocked them all out of our lives by not calling and blocking their emails to us (which, for the record, we have not)
Regarding his children, he said "I put them through college, they got married debt-free -- there was nothing more I could have done as a father."
Referenced repeatedly that he himself had none of the advantages growing up that our generation did.
Spoke at length how L had no sympathy for him when he was going through his own medical crisis for many years.
Noted repeatedly that L and B sent back cards and presents for their son, but "not the money and the bonds -- didcha notice that?"
Referenced how he put in a kitchen for L and all she did was give him a "crock of shit" about it
Said he has always been "nervous about L" because she had a "bad relationship with her mother"
Said L has a "bad track record" with relationships
Said L "only talks to her grandmother"
Said, "L has only 3 friends"
Said L "pushes people away"
Cautioned me about L, saying, "Her own father warned me about her!" -- D went on the clarify that L's father once had said, "You don't mess with L!"
Said L was a "bad hostess" when they all visited in Texas, and that's why A and D went to a hotel
Said his parents could have "put a stop" to L in Texas during the visit, but they didn't want to offend her -- but they had no problem offending A, who "fed them, and loved them, and hugged them, and invited them for Christmas."
Noted that he had paid for his parents to travel to Texas.
At the wedding: the only one who was pissed off was L: "Nobody was angry with L."
He claimed not to know the "trash" story; he acted as if he thought it all had to do with the condo fiasco coupled with L's "mysterious" (my word) fight with B's sister. (He did not reference subsequent conversations with B during which B specifically took issue with the "trash" comment and expressed their need for an apology.)
Said that L had insisted that she, B, and their son and their dogs use the condo for the wedding, and that L got pissed when she found out it was unavailable.
Told me twice how he spent $300,000 on his condo (really cost $200,000)
He tried to claim that he thought the reason J and I weren't talking to the Xs was because I sent the crack email around "on their wedding day." He did quickly abandon this theory when I began to easily disprove it.
When I told him the true history of the crack email (that H had been aware of it weeks before the wedding, and that H had admitted to J and me that he thought it was probably D2 but that we should not mention it to anyone) D seemed shocked and insisted that H couldn't possibly have said that considering this was his daughter who was about to be married. (Of course, J and I both saw the email from H and there's no disputing what was written.) Then D went off on a long tangent about how vehemently he opposed the wedding, how he would never have gone along with it if it was his daughter, but how no one would listen to him. D did concede that V and D seem happily married now and referenced taking V's stepson to his swimming lessons.
When he finally basically agreed that it was likely that A said the trash comment to J, he immediately tried to dismiss it by saying, "Well, L must have really pissed her off somehow."
When he finally indicated that "The Head" nickname was true, he asked me "And let me ask you -- who told you?" I replied that he already knew it was L who told me. He tried to further deflect the focus by asking me whether or not I thought it was the "Christian thing to do" for L to have told me. (I told him that I didn't think it was the Christian thing to do to go around secretly calling another person's child "The Head" or other people "Trash.")
We awkwardly but cordially said good-bye to each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I briefly spoke with R (my monster-in-law):

When she answered, I identified myself and said something about how after all these years, L finally told me something that was so outrageous I just had to call and ask her about it. I then asked, "Did you ever call my son 'The Head'?"
R gasped dramatically and said, "Oh, what a terrible thing to say."
I again asked: "Did you ever call my son 'The Head'?"
R said, "Don't you ever say that to me again, and don't call here again!"
R hung up on me, so I'm not sure if she heard my last comment to her, which was: "R, it's you who has a big fat head!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I briefly spoke with H (my father-in-law):

H answered; I identified myself and told him I wanted to ask him what I had asked R earlier regarding "The Head." I did so.
He said, "No, we never said that."
I asked him if he maybe wanted to think about it, or if that was really what he was going to go with.
He said, "Yes, we never said that."
I said that both L and B had confirmed that R had repeatedly called our son "The Head."
I said that L even remembers asking H whether or not I was aware that they went around calling my son "The Head."
I told him that L vividly remembers H answering, "Would you like it if we called your son 'The Head'?"
He said that they were lying.
I asked him if he expected me to believe that L and B together conspired to hurt me by making up such a detailed, ugly story.
He said that they must have, because they never said that.
I asked him if that was the way they had built their world for themselves, by doing or saying whatever they wanted, and then simply revising history if it inconvenienced them, absolving themselves of any responsibility for their actions and words.
He reminded me that I had recently told them that J and I had moved on, and that they too had "moved on."
He then said that if we had nothing else to say to each other, we should hang up.
I said that in fact I had a lot to say to him.
I asked him: "Whatever happened to your sister, H?" [His sister is mentally retarded, and after their parents died, H never saw or spoke to her again. We think she is in "the system" somewhere in Florida.]
He said that we had nothing to say to each other.
I repeated my question.
He said, "Nothing."
I asked, "Nothing? Where is she? Is she alive or dead? Do you know?"
He indicated that the conversation was over for him.
He hung up on me, so I don't know if he heard me ask, "Why do you people always turn your backs on family in trouble?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I also spoke to D2 at some length, but I didn't take notes. I'm sure whatever he says was said is accurate, as he seems like a pretty honest guy. The gist (he was rather logical and I was rather emotional) was that we both agreed that if anything is ever going to change (however unlikely), we'd all have to talk to one another honestly, even though there might be some yelling and arguing. I did sincerely apologize to him for the things I've said and done regarding him in the past.

That's it.
-- me

what the hack?

2005-03-14T08:03:00.000-05:00

So this weekend R (my monster-in-law) tried to hack into my email account.

Here's the thing about R -- she thinks she's the smartest person in the universe, but the truth is, she's not. Many years ago, she was the manager of a mainframe database, so she fancies herself a technophile. The truth is, she doesn't know anything about the Internet or email or any kind of computer technology that isn't 20 years old. When her company updated their computer systems, she was axed as a dinosaur because she couldn't or wouldn't keep up.

(Of course, she said her new bosses were ageist, racist, and sexist because they didn't want an "old Italian woman" working for them. See, nothing that ever happens to this woman is actually her own fault or responsibility.)

So anyway, J and I were happily cleaning our house on Saturday when we heard the familiar chime that new email had arrived. I saw it was from Yahoo! mail, asking me to confirm my email address to be added to a specific account. Now, let's just say R's last name is Smith: the account was "rsmith1" and the email to be added to the account was our personal address.

I laughed, "Now what is she up to?"

J and I were able to recreate what must have happened in order for us to get that email from Yahoo! and there's little doubt that R was arrogant and stupid enough to think that she was hacking into our email. When she clicked that "verify" button, I'm sure she expected a screen to appear that asked for our password, which I'm sure she thought she'd be able to figure out, because, after all, she's such a genius.

I know she wasn't expecting an announcement that an email had been sent to our account requesting verification!

who doesn't eat pie?

2005-03-11T19:38:00.000-05:00

Today, L told me how when my son was a few months old, R (my monster-in-law) started calling him "the head" behind our backs. Because she thought his head was too big or something.

Nice, huh?

L had kept that from me all these years. I sensed she wasn't telling me something, and she admitted she hadn't wanted to tell me because it was such a hurtful thing. What kind of creep says something like that about another person's baby? When I told my husband what his mother said, he was shocked, disappointed, and embarassed by her. He said it was disturbing.

When L's son was about a year old, L's husband B proudly stated that his son could speak 2 words. "That's two more words than xxx!" R mockingly said about my son, who was 2.3 and not talking yet. Come to find out a few months later, he wasn't talking yet because he has AUTISM.

I wonder what their secret nickname for him is now? I wonder what their secret nickname would be for our adopted daughter, who is Chinese? (Once, when R noticed an Asian "Little People" doll in J's farm, she said, "What is she, the cook?")

Once, in more naive times, I baked an apple pie for my in laws, who were coming for a visit. I waited until the right moment and got ready to serve pie and coffee. As I walked toward the kitchen, I heard my monster-in-law decline my offer, saying that she and her husband "don't eat pie."

You don't eat pie?

Who doesn't eat pie?

narcissistic personality disorder

2005-03-10T11:26:00.000-05:00

R is my mother-in-law
V is my sister-in-law
A is my aunt-in-law
L is A's son's wife
J is my husband
X is me

R, V, and A hate L and me for taking their sons (and brother) from under their control.

R, V, and A have been talking about L and me behind our backs for 12+ years. L and I finally got wise and shared information with each other. We became secret friends and always reported what was being said about the other.

At V's wedding, A cornered my husband J and told him that "L comes from trash and she is trash."

L is one of the smartest, kindest, most beautiful people I know. Trust me.

When he was 2.5, our son was diagnosed with autism, and R, V, and A turned their backs on us. They blame me for his autism. They gossip about my son. They make fun of him, too.

They are evil people.

Perhaps I will use this blog to chronicle this disfunctional family circus.... If it didn't happen to us, I wouldn't have thought people (family!) could be so cold, harsh, and selfish.

For now, here's a recent email I sent to L, and cc'd R:

~~~~~

I know how much you love my long emails, so here's another to add to your collection.

Amateur psychotherapist that I am, I've come up with a new diagnosis for our in-laws (although I do still think A is a sociopath). (Drum roll please!) Three words: Narcissistic Personality Disorder!

R -- reading the following must be like looking in a mirror (and we all know how much narcissists like looking in the mirror)! And may I add, like mother like daughter!

And like sister like sister!

Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: [I think we have yet another perfect score for R's report card!]

has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) ["Hello, my name is V, and although I have poor life-skills, zero personality, and limited accomplishments, I am nonetheless the undisputed, righteous Queen of the Universe."]
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love [R, what was it exactly that you did at XXXXXXXX? President and CEO? Or were you in charge of mailing labels? And where does A get her ego, when she hasn't earned a single thing she has?]
believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) [Since I am from "Western New York" (LOL) and not NYC like you are, R, it's hard for me to wrap my hick mind around this one. (*see below!)]
requires excessive admiration [No one can cook better, dress better, speak Spanish better, advise better, live better, raise their child better, blah blah blah.]
has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations [A can say and do whatever she wants, and we were all completely expected to look the other way. What BS! And how about V's attitude while living in the condo, wanting the bedroom furniture, demanding that Mommy and Daddy buy her a house.]
is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends [R, regarding A's trash comment, remember when you told J: "You are going to have to take the blame for this--you realize that, don't you?"]
lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others [Let's rip apart L as she takes care of her dying mother. Yeah, that seems like the human thing to do.... And then let's turn our backs on our son as he faces a crisis with his child....]
is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her [L, this has A (ie: desperation) written all over it.]
shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes ["L comes from trash and she is trash"; "I'm going to show the XXXs how to put on a real wedding"; and on and on and on....]

*Here's a bonus geography lesson for all you UAlbany grads!

New York State

Some more fun reading:

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Essential Feature

The essential feature of the narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 658). Gunderson, et.al, (Livesly, ed., 1995, p. 208) notes that the grandiosity may not be overt or may involve arrogant and haughty behavior.

Kantor (1992, pp. 203-204) describes the clinical characteristics of NPD as:

inordinate self-pride;
self-concern; ["This isn't just happening to you, J, it's happening to meeeeee toooooooo."]
an exaggeration of the importance of one's experiences and feelings; ["This isn't just happening to you, J, it's happening to meeeeee toooooooo."]
ideas of perfection; [I've said it before and I'll say it again: make way for the 300 lb perfectionist.]
a reluctance to accept blame or criticism; [LOL -- How much time do you have?]
absence of altruism although gestures may be made for the sake of appearance; [A's daughter gets the $300 bracelet, V gets the $199 bracelet, and L gets the $99 special -- oh, and I don't get anything.]
empathy deficit; [Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot]
grandiosity

Frances, et.al. (1995, p. 374) add:

entitlement;
shallowness;
preoccupation with fame, wealth, and achievement;
craving admiration, attention and praise;
placing excessive emphasis on displaying beauty and power.

Beck (1990, p. 49) describes the key elements of NPD as presumed superiority and self-aggrandizing behavior. These individuals also give evidence of intense motivation to seek perfection and a feeling state of emptiness, rage and envy (Masterson, 1981, p. 7). They are prone to withdraw and become inaccessible when feeling offended [Somehow, I don't think we will ever get a response from them, L. Shucks! I'd love to hear what they have to say for themselves.] (Benjamin, 1993, p. 141).

Individuals with NPD may show little real ability outside of their fantasies. [Are you thinking what I'm thinking?] They can become self-destructive because their grandiosity and self-preoccupation impair their judgment and perspective. [Not that marrying a two-time deadbeat-dad ex felon crack dealer is self-destructive or anything. Nor is destroying your chance to know your grandchildren because you're incapable of admitting you're wrong and sincerely apologizing for your own words and actions. Nor is using your grandson's autism diagnosis as a shield to protect your own petty interests.]

They can experience such inappropriate rage in response to someone diminishing their sense of superiority that they attack and attempt to destroy the source of criticism (Oldham, 1990, pp. 93-95). [One more time, everybody: "L comes from trash and she is trash." (What does that make L's son--your grandson-- in your eyes?) ----- Oh, and leave any nice phone messages lately, V? Click here!]

This was fun!
Have a nice day,
X

worried about slits?

2005-02-05T13:00:00.000-05:00

http://www.hannahlise.com/womens-dresses.aspx

Finally, modest apparel at discount prices, proving once and for all that Jesus saves!

a good samaritan

2005-01-24T10:11:00.000-05:00

thank you to the good samaritan who snow-blew my sidewalks this weekend.